I can’t believe this is my second or even third attempt at journaling about this. But that’s life for you.. kids, moods, priorities, procrastination etc.. things always seem to get in the way. I’m currently having my first cup of coffee that I’ve had in a very long time, not sure if it will help with my writing haha but I felt it was ok to have it while spending time with my Jesus and writing all about how amazing he is!
The rain and thunder calmed down a little outside but moments ago it was going wild. It’s good Friday today, such a cozy day to sit back and ponder on the season of Passover/Easter. This topic is so near and dear to my heart, I prayed hard that it wouldn’t be another “slip away” (posts I want to share but don’t get around to writing or posting, that eventually get lost or deleted).
Joy, a few weeks ago I started pondering this topic and wondering, what does it really mean to have the joy of the Lord? How exactly can the joy of the Lord be our strength? Do I have even have it? I asked the Lord to show me and he sure did! I started paying attention to what people said to me, almost daily someone mentioned something about me being so happy or joyful. Why are you so radiant? What is it about you??
I’ve given it some thought and come to define it, turns out that I do have the Spirit of joy. I’m not always walking around laughing or being silly, but when I look inwardly or how others might see it, I’m just overwhelmed by His Spirit. The fruit of His Spirit is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control.” Galatians 5:22-23
I’m pregnant for the fourth time and have a lot on my plate, kids 24/7, homeschooling, character building (in other words my kids quarrel amongst each other and I have to discipline what feels like ALL the time), meals still have to be made, five times a day since my kids are home and are always hungry haha, house chores still have to get done, activities to go to and so on. Life happens, we get tested every. single. day. Some days are harder then others but over all his Spirit is here and it’s within me and that is what gets me through all of life’s chaos.
Every year when Easter and Christmas come around, I take time to really ponder on what we are celebrating. I never want the birth of Christ or his death and resurrection to become something common for me. This year Easter is more special than ever before, I don’t even know where to start by expressing what’s in my heart. I pray he takes over and does what only HE can do.
For a long time all through growing up, I was taught and believed that Jesus died for our salvation and of course our sins. No one really ever went past that. Don’t get me wrong I am beyond grateful for eternal life and the freedom I have from being controlled by my sinful nature. But I also always felt like I was born saved, I never committed a huge sin that I felt like I would be condemned for from the Lord. So for me Easter never felt like that big of a deal. I did not like the fact that I felt this way, I knew it was so much more than that, so I prayed for him to show me more.
For those of us who were born into Christian homes and never walked away from the Lord, it’s easy to feel contempt, for the gift that we were sooo blessed with. From early childhood I was never satisfied with just going to church on Sundays, youth group and other religious acts. I always wanted more. Although I didn’t often question my parents or authority I did always have dialogs with the Lord.
Jesus came and died for us to have freedom. He showed us through his life’s example what that freedom looks like. Freedom from sin, hate, pain, the curse and even death. He didn’t take evil out of this world but he showed us how to live in this world. Every where he went, every one he touched was changed. When he left this earth he made us a promise, that his Spirit will come and will equip us to do the same works he has done and even greater works. John 14:12 Have you ever wondered what that really means??
His death broke the curse that came upon humanity through Adam and Eves disobedience. I am currently experiencing that freedom and words cannot express the joy, gratitude and excitement I have for what he did on the cross for me. If I can experience this, I can only imagine what life SHOULD look like as a follower of Christ.
Naturally things should look, feel and be one way but through his freedom it becomes supernatural. At the beginning of this pregnancy I was nauseous all. the. time. I started to become very bitter, confused and angry. The only time I didn’t feel anything was in my sleep, which was being interrupted by either my husband, (taking my blanket lol) or my children waking me up multiple times a night. (I’m a super light sleeper to begin with). Every time I woke up, I couldn’t really go back to sleep because of how I was feeling, so that made me irritated, sleep deprived and ultimately unkind.
I shared some years ago, about my Supernatural birth experience with the twins. Since they were born I knew I would have at least one more pregnancy. I wanted more kids right away but we prayed and waited for the Lords timing. Meanwhile I also prayed that my next pregnancy would be supernatural. So when I got pregnant this time I was so excited, up until morning sickness hit and it hit BAD. I had it with all my other pregnancies all the way until the end. I was very discouraged and upset that I would have to live like this for the next eight or so months. We don’t own any kind of medication, I bare through things. I’m used to toughing things out if I need to, but in this case my family was suffering the consequences of an unhappy mama. I could’t cook, clean or stay out of bed when I didn’t HAVE to be anywhere. I was so disappointed, sick and miserable.
At one point when I was about to lose it, I asked my mom to take my kids for a day or two. I couldn’t think straight to even get my thoughts together with having them around. (The struggles of an introvert homeschooling hehe) When they were gone I got before the Lord, at first I just made sure he knew how upset I was. He’s so sweet, graciously reminded me of the truth that I had forgotten because of the way I was feeling. After some time and prayer, I made up my mind to believe his word, no matter what, even if I was to feel this way until the day I deliver this baby. Physically nothing changed in the moment, besides the fact that I received peace and joy and I was ok with the outcome.
But a few days later I realized that I was starving, a sensation I usually didn’t feel during any of my pregnancies, I always felt extra nauseous and that indicated that it was time to eat, so that it would somewhat go away. At first I didn’t understand what was going on, so I cautiously observed my body and the symptoms for a few days until I realized, that I had received my answer and nausea was not coming back. I had it for about three weeks non stop, before I received my answer. Whenever I mention this to people they usually say “that happens to some people” or “you’re so lucky it just went away” some questioned the fact that maybe something was wrong with the baby.
I had to deal with all kinds of feelings/fears and emotions, but above all I hung on to the peace, joy and the faith that the Lord gave me. I have been to the doctor since and they marvel at the fact that I feel so great and tell me how “lucky” I am. The baby is growing steadily and I have began to feel it’s tiny little kicks. No you don’t need to feel nauseous in order to know that everything is going ok and that the baby is alive and well. Because the word of God is alive and powerful, it’s true and at work today. Jesus died for all of us to be set free and to operate in his Spirit. It should’t be abnormal to enjoy your pregnancy (without all sorts of medication), or have a pain free delivery (without drugs and pain killers). My healing came not only in the form of being healed from morning sickness but in all other different ways. I can’t wait to share about all that with you in a future entry. Healing, freedom, joy should be all around us, with how massive our churches are and how many claim to know Christ, this world has to look different than it does.
It grieves me that we are in this state as the body of Christ but at the same time I am soooo full of joy about how amazing our God is! He doesn’t keep this a secret from us, he wants all of us to experience the fullness of who he is. It all comes down to us. Do we want him, in all his fullness and promises bad enough or are we ok with settling for the way things have always been??
I can’t give you a three step formula to attain your freedom, healing or his manifesting spirit in your life because it doesn’t work like that in a relationship. Knowing him is not a religion it’s all about intimacy. One thing you can count on with him, is that HE IS FAITHFUL. He wont keep anything from you, he won’t play games, he won’t hurt you or turn on you but he will always be there waiting for you and pursue you until the very end. He proved that by coming to earth, living and dying as a human (becoming something he created, just imagine that) being God he could have done things differently but he gave us free will and it’s up to us to choose him over other things each and every day.
If I can live out this one promise that he made to us, can you imagine all the rest? How would life look like, if we can believe everything else he says is true? I am so excited for him to reveal more to me and to break the old way of thinking in me, while showing me more and more of himself. I really wasn’t sure about how much I wanted to share just yet but in the end it’s not about me, I am no one extra ordinary. I’m just willing to believe and stand on his word. I hope you heard my heart through all this but above that, I pray his Spirit stirred up yours to live out his word. To seek him deeper, to grow in your relationship with him. May my life bring him praise and simple testimonies give him glory.
If he hadn’t come and died all those years ago, we would still be living under the law, the curse would not have been broken, the veil in the temple would not have been torn (which represents us being able to have personal access to him and to his throne room, in other words a personal relationship with him). We can talk to him and hear him and live out all that he has come to give us. I can’t find the right words to express how happy and excited that makes me feel. I hope each of you can experience that this weekend and in the days to come. I hope you have a happy Easter celebrating our risen Savior!
Blessings! Natty